Jocea’s Birth Story (Miscarriage)
I’ve decided not to prolong this entry, but to just give you the facts as it was a very dark season for me. I want this blog to be about God’s goodness, and I feel that losing our first child was a time where I chose not to embrace or see His goodness, but wallow in self pity and anger toward God instead… and we don’t need to focus on that! (I will attempt to bring some light as to how my dark season was conquered at the end, though)
So with that being said… here is the brief story of our very first child in heaven, the short life she lived in-utero, and how we dealt with the situation.
Franklin and I got married back in May of 2008, and within a few months we decided we were ready to start our family!
We were fortunate to get pregnant quite quickly, and I became obsessed with this little baby growing inside me. Every visit to the internet was spent looking at all things baby – looking up baby names, seeing how big the baby was growing, seeing if certain symptoms were normal, and all that fun stuff!
I was about 10 weeks along when I started bleeding. I knew that was not normal, so I called the doctor and an ultrasound was scheduled. At the ultrasound it was discovered that I had a ‘failed pregnancy’. It was the shock of my life.
I was completely devastated, and it took months for me to even have a day go by without shedding some tears. I became angry at God, blaming the entire thing on Him.
I distanced myself from those around me. Not many people knew I was pregnant, aside from family, and I didn’t want to bring it up. I basically ended up keeping all my emotions to myself and set myself up for a pretty miserable life.
It wasn’t until about 8 months later that my pastor (my dad) had invited anyone who needed to leave something in their past, in the past! I knew that the grief I was feeling, and blame I had on God wasn’t doing me any good, and that I really should surrender it to Him. I felt in my heart that I was one of those people, and stood.
This was a turning point for me. For those 8 months after my miscarriage, I wasn’t able to read the bible or even pray because of the anger I had toward God. I didn’t let Him comfort me, instead I had distanced myself from Him leaving me susceptible to the enemies lies.
After this one church service, I allowed God to comfort me after I had ‘forgiven’ Him, and found immense healing that I had been missing. It was shortly after this time that I was finally able to agree with my husband about trying for another baby… and within a year my first born son was born 🙂